Shell

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Shell Shocked

I Miss You... 

To My Eternal Friend,

I close my eyes and see you standing at my door with a pizza in your hands for the family. It's your favorite with all the works. 

I see you laying In my big fluffy bed taking turns being the perfect listener.

 I Am Happy For You my precious friend but so sad that you've gone so soon.

Hugs, Laughter, Silly Jokes that is how I remember our days of ups and downs, hospital stays and holiday celebrations. 

 I see your eyes and all their sparkle when you smile. Your beautiful hands that reached out for others in need.

I will always remember you being a teacher of great compassion, love,  and an unstoppable giving Heart. 

Your drive to please our father and always feeling like not enough, when you my friend were always then, and always will be exactly who you were born to be, perfect, blameless and a lover of Jesus  

I even miss your brutal honesty, "yes I need more rest!"

I miss your midnight calls with prayer filled nights that spilled into the wee hours of the morning.

I miss YOU my dear friend.

I find comfort in knowing that I can look forward to hearing you one day welcoming me into my eternity while calling my name "Bobby!"

I laugh at the memory of you doing the Hula on the Santa Barbara shores or laying oil in all the stores

I look at the sky while driving and see you looking out the window calling out shapes of each white, pink and wisps of clouds floating by.

Our car rides filled with song and worship or deep discussions of what we all imagined Heaven to be like.

I think about you daily and continue to wonder about all the places that you are now I have yet to be...

 You are gone but Not gone. You are nowhere but everywhere! 

You will battle no more sickness, disappointments, worry, opposition, division, lack or bore. 

 My heart hurts and everyone you set eyes on here misses you 

I Miss you...

Still Here

Always

Friday, May 22, 2015

Always

I SEE YOU...

I've Always Seen YOU even when no other soul has 

I see your eyes squint with laughter, as if your staring into the summer sun but

It's just me your looking at...

I see your eyes turn sad with the color of vibrant moss, the same moss I would imagine that cover rocks on the river banks of heaven

I SEE YOU...

I see you and the tears that well up when you watch your child walk across an airport parking lot on her return home from afar 

I SEE YOU...

I see your struggle in this world that you were forced to come into

I see the longing for your heavenly position you will be appointed to in heaven 

I SEE YOU...

I see your strength of a dozen men and your weakness of a feeble man

I see your heart that beats from your chest, I can see it through your shirt beating to the rhythm of my name 

I SEE YOU...

you are not a darkened memory to me but a light that's been temporarily lost

I SEE YOU...

I see you looking over the newspaper while your glasses slide down your nose,  your eyes glance in my direction with such admiration and love

I SEE YOU...

I see you holding on to our youth as if its a tangible life sustaining magic that can change everything with one memory of it

I see you holding on to places, smells, sites and sounds then locking them away for your dark, rainy days that come to haunt you 

I see you struggle your way through full moons like some TV character struggling to find its form

I see you in your youth in OP Shorts your blond hair and big green eyes frightened struggling and at times lost in this big scary but beautiful world

I SEE YOU...

I see you chasing cars, building sand castles, laughing till you cry and turning bright red under the summer sun

I SEE YOU...

I have not lost site of you in room 202....

I see every part of you that you don't. I see every part of you that has been forgotten by you or over looked or perhaps tucked away 

I SEE YOU...

I see the light that you hide from, pouring out of those eyes

I see our father calling your spirit and your spirit longing to just rest your head on his chest

I see who you were, who you are, and who you will be

Won't you look into the fathers reflection and see you too? You're beautiful, a wonder, and a discovery waiting to be found...

I have found you...I see you..."You are my treasure" says our father  

"I am you and you are me."


Forever & Always I will See You

Dreaming of Heaven

Monday, June 8, 2015

I can only imagine...

Walking on the greenest greens, running on the brightest white beaches and sitting under the pinkest pink flowered trees.. 

I feel the warm amber honey that surrounds me. 
I feel the blanket of peace and the fathers joy that fills me. 
    

I walk and take another moment in the cool brook that flows freely, tickling my ankles

Its invitation shines with every color, even those yet to be named. 

I am walking on precious gems that are smooth as silky. Looking up I smell the fresh floral that dances around my senses from every direction, 

I feel a building anticipation in the air,

It's like thunder when it happens, yes when the horses roll in, my spirit yells the horses are coming!

I am walking and enjoying this vast pleasure that's wrapped up like the most amazing package. 
My gift has every ribbon and adornment laid out on display for all to see. 

 I am walking and admiring the gardens, green hills, birds overhead and yes, the warm, amber glow all around my presence. 
I feel my father, he is all around me and in everything I see.

I can leap like a child from tree to tree, dance across the green fields of glory,  I lay beneath the tree of butterflys and sing as loud as my voice will carry and I am pleasing. 

The cloud is appraoching so I jump up to go meet it. 

I see the stampede of beautiful giants, white horses with beards being led by the most celestial looking man and I am in awe...

I think I know him 

Its my friend, my love from long ago. I get the feeling this visit is a recurring event that I look forward to.

I see us riding past trees that have the most amazing branches, they reach for us with admiration of the fathers children

I can feel the kisses of the sweet smelling flowers as the branches bend over us when we pass under them.

I savor our rides and discussions of heaven. We talk about what our father has him doing but its the glimmer in his eyes that fills me with childlike amusement.

When he is called away and I am again standing at the road of goodbye, it does not grieve me because I know I will feel the thunder again and the horses will return, they always do...

Im heading back to the garden where the fragrance guides me. I am headed to the glimmering waters the ocean that sings and the animals that roar with laughter

I am filled, I am whole, I am complete, I am waiting...

Daughter

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Daughter

Hazel Eyes

Pig Tails, Giggles, Laughter, Pacifiers Galore, Bear in the Big Blue House, Dress up, Mama's Heels, Big Floppy Hats, Pink Feathered Boa's and So Much More.

Lilo, Stitch, Fragle Rock, Blue Berry Summer and Lets Not Forget the Reason You're Never Lonely, The One and Only Teddy Bear Butter

My Precious Memories

My Answered Prayer, My Amazing Gift, A Display of Gods 
Un Measurable Love, That is Who She Is

Singer, Preacher, Lover of Jesus, Truth Seeker, Fashion Designer, Painter, Cake Baker, Apple Pie Maker

Photographer, Treasure Hunter, Beach Bunny, Mountain Hiker, Occasional Biker, Swimmer, Shopper, Undercover Library Lover, 

Cookie Dough, Sour Patch Kids, Thin Crust Pizza, California  Rolls, Teriyaki Bowls   
No Veggies geez, Second Helping of Potatoes Please!

Book Reader, Record Collector, Shoe Hoarder, Music Connoisseur,
Baby Brother Mother, Listener, Talker, Dog Walker, 

Admiring Eyes, Lashes For Days, Talented Dancer, Poet, Dreamer, Writer, Fighter, Fickle Eater, Friend to All
Thats My Girl All Wrapped Up Like a Hand Made Christmas Doll

You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine, 
You Make Me Happy When Skies Are Grey...
You Are My Tay

Forever & Always,
Mae

Memories for Sale

Monday, June 15, 2015

Memories for Sale

Sale...

I'm walking up and down each isle looking for just that perfect shinny relic that catches my eye.

The sun is warm and the smell of the salty sea isn't far off. 
I look up toward heaven and sigh with appreciation. 

Today is for treasure hunting with loved ones, tonight is for our goodbyes. We will let the Waves take our memories along with our goodbyes and sorrow.

I see it, the shinny object across the row of vendors. I make my way through crowds of people to haggle with the seller over an antique cigar box and sitting next to it an old car that my son may like. As I'm passing by other tables I am suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. 
Its all the forgotten items of people. It's all the lives and the memories that have long passed that grieves me. 
The intensity of it catches me off guard.

 Laying across a table are photographs of a man and woman, wedding photos, college diplomas along with a life time of impressive achievements sprawled out for sale! 
I am wondering who did this? who gave away their memories to this gypsy to sell off for mere pennies? His war time photos, She in her wedding dress, their first born, first car, collage graduation, Last Christmas, a life time all laying out in the summer sun for sale

Is this what our lives are? items for sale? memories and achievements that go to the highest bidder?

I want to scream, "wait! before you buy that, don't you want to know his name? or if his wife of 50 years is still alive? or the name of their dog in that picture? Or if the men in that war time photo all made it home to their loved ones after defending our country in battle?"

I shed tears as I passed table after table with lifetimes all spread out for pennies.

Father am I not worth more? My life has to be worth more then forgotten memories put up for sale.
Our youth, our battles, victories and love. It all has to mean something to somebody.

Father let it all, not be for nothing...Let my pictures of youth and all my achievements not lay under the summer sun 

I look up with another sigh and thank God for today and the reminder that each day is our gift that isn't to be sold or grieved but to be celebrated. Our lives are to be cherished. Our lives are but a blink of an eye but eternity is forever and is free to whom ever believes.That is worth more then any shiny thing here on earth.
It is greater then any achievement. Its a gift that lasts for an eternity.

Another life is gone here on earth but heaven has gained another in celebration. You're items have been sold off and given away but our memories will last until we meet again.

Its dusk and it is time to remember our loved one, as the waves carry him into the sunset our feet leave impressions in the sand only to be washed away with him...

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Candy Cane Kisses

Holidays have a way of bringing out the best and worst in people. As for me, I love them and all that they entail. Christmas is my holiday of choice, the music, giving gifts to others, and acts of kindness being extended to perfect strangers.

I never have understood the people who find themselves depressed or out of sorts especially with the beauty and delight that come with all lights that shine with holiday sparkle.

Well, I didn't understand until this year
This year I  have had the unfortunate experience of loss and heartache in many areas of my life. 
It's the pain that comes to steal the brightness from my Christmas sparkle. 

Yes, I now have the understanding of why people may feel like hiding under their winter blanket's while waiting for the bright lights to come down, along with evergreen that invades their senses to be taken out to the curb

What I discovered is that the memories of what use to be during the holidays can hinder what the holidays may look like now in the present 

 So this year I decided to switch things up a bit. 
I no longer want to grieve about what was or what is no longer,
I want to rediscover a new way of making things sparkle. 

I have given up the same tree lot that I have frequented for over 25 years. I have not hung lights from every corner of my roof or hung evergreen garland in my home

I am however not choosing to forget the comfort of what use to be, but I am reinventing what can still be

I am choosing to throw my winter blanket aside and join the the laughter of my children

It doesn't mean that my grief and the pain of my broken heart is gone but Christmas has a way of wanting the best in all of us to shine like a beacon to the broken hearts of others. 

I want to find my laughter, my joy, my peace on Christmas morning stuffed all snug like a bug in my stocking or tucked under the tree wrapped and ready to be opened.

Tonight I stare into the light of the fire and suddenly with my hand over my heart I can feel the pain that continues to pierce it. 

I'm sure as I sleep tonight the memories of who and what I miss along with pictures of the days past will haunt me, they do nightly. When tomorrow comes, when I wake I will choose to participate in what God has gifted me with. The laughter of my children, taking in the fragrance of the day and even enjoying the music that fills the air of grocery stores shopping malls and family homes.

I will give my kids my candy cane kisses...

Lost in the dark

Saturday, December 26, 2015

I can feel the ice cold emotions running through the walls of this castle...

I can hear your fierce howls like wind as they swirl past my skirt, 
 I brush the crumbling walls with my finger tips as I walk on

I think to myself, let the dust, brick and mortar fall!

This moment as time stands still, I gaze out the window of this turret and I ask myself if I've been in a deep winters sleep, maybe it's all been a dream

 I have witnessed countless moons passing by as well as too many to count settings of the sun
I have memory of each of them, burned deep within me soul

Still I wonder...

Has the beauty of my youth been held captive or just remained here from sheer will 

Have I been so caught up in the mesmerizing endless hallways, dark corners and hidden rooms to see its fierceness that feeds off my light

I have been nobodies prisoner but my own I suppose

Still I find myself endlessly in search of the the garden with glass walls, the garden that blooms all year in-spite of the frost that surrounds it

 I know it's here waiting to be found but my fatigue gets the best of me and I long for the walls to just come down

Something deep inside my soul drives me beyond my own strength  to keep going so I can quench my thirst one last time from the dew that drips from the withered leaves of its beauty
 This driving desire has placed me many times into the snare of loneliness, disappointment and defeat 

Still I wonder...

I wonder if all I've touched, craved and bathed myself in has all been a dream but then why have the colors of my memory not faded, nor the fragrance of your strength and beauty gone away from me

I wish to wake up now and walk out into the summers sun, yes if I am asleep someone wake me

Through blurred eyes I look out this window and find myself searching for a reflection off the glass that holds the treasures of my past, present and possibility 

Perhaps I am in search for the long stem beauty with it's thorns so plenty 

After all, I know how you long for the blood of my thumb but still, I reach for you anyway...

SEEN

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Discarded love...

Its all You've Ever Wanted and You have Been Given More then Most 

They turned Their backs on you and They Stare into the Mirror of Selfishness so
they Cannot See You. 
They See Only their Failure, in Themselves Not you

Do You See Me?

Have You Ever Seen Me?

I'm the Light over your Shoulder 
the Voice in Your Head
the Ache in Your Heart

They Are the Pain in Your Chest 
the Tickle in Your Throat that Can't be Scratched
the Tooth Ache that was Never Taken Care of

I am the Tear down Your Cheek
the Dreams that you Push away as You Sleep

They are the Dream, Joy, and Laughter Thieves 
The Pain in your Joints, the Bleeding Fingers and Sore Feet

I am the Giver, Lover, Encourager, Friend and Hope

They are the Lie, Disappointment and the Box You Live in

I am the Freedom and Imagination of Possibility 

I have been Thrown Away, Given Up on, While You Still Hold Out Hope For Their Love that Will Never Come

You Are Filled with Light, Love Compassion and Were Born to BE A Warrior 
You are A Wonder, a Gift and A Leader 
You are Born to Be and will Be Again...

Yesterday, Today, & Tomorrow For Eternity

Treasure Hunter

Treasure Hunter

I am counted like a star in the sky among many. I am not done with what burns inside my flame hasnt dimmed.

Yet you count me as a fallen star lost in an ocean of treasure, laying and waiting to be found. or its value recognized.

I have weathered many storms and dreams have been lost but my gold is there. 

It's not the age of the treasure but the story that makes it worthy to be found and its mystery's discovered and loved.

Explore my heart, see me. See my value and all my mystery with scuff marks and imperfections or toss me back into the blue to wait on another treasure seeker that's been in search of me.

One day when Ive been found and held close to the heart of my treasure hunter you will find yourself wishing you had not tossed me back. My only fear is that I will always be waiting to be found among all the treasures of your past. 

Tell me that it's not always been like this. Me waiting for you and you being too late for me.
I would sit in a sky and shine for 100 years to be seen by you. 

I would lay among the riches of sunken ships to be a treasure you held dear to you heart and kept for a lifetime without regret.