Baggage Claim

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Baggage Claim

Like The Many Different Directions Of Our Lives...

Planes Fly In, Planes Fly Out,
 Arriving at Gates Of Joy, Leaving Behind Sorrow, and Regret at Others

I Stand Here In line to Collect the Belongings of My Heart but Instead have Been Re routed To the Basement of Lost Luggage,

Panic Sets in

 Who Might have My Heart or Where will It End Up? 
My Thoughts Swim Around in My Mind As to Where the Contents of My Past, Present and Future will Land

Baggage Handler Why Have You Been so Careless with a Lifetime of Loved possessions that I have Neatly Packed Away as Organized Memories Of Us

I am Spun Around By the Rush of People 
Bustling Past and Envy Their Destinations

I Have Become the Unnoticed Airport Ghost, Drifting From Window to Window Admiring the Arrivals and Departures of the Lives of Other Passengers 

Because I wait...

Only the Hand Print on the Glass that Remains After I've Left will Be Your Clue That I was Ever Even here

This Emotional Day Comes to a Close 
I am Left Alone Standing At the Gate of Sorrow with No Hope of Tomorrow

The Day Is Long, My Swollen eyes are Tired And My Fight for Whats Right Has Disappeared into the Crowd of Chaos

Do I wipe Away These Endless Tears Of Defeat or Stand

for the Contents of What has Been Misplaced

Should I walk away Leaving my Lost luggage to the Handler,

After all It was His job
 to Take Care Of Such Matters Or Perhaps I should Run with What's Left In This Hole Ridden Sack of Hope,

Taped Up with Broken Promises

I Hear the Faint Call of My Future At the Departure Gate But I can't Help but to Turn Toward the Feeling of My Heart As it 

Passes Somewhere in the Dense Crowd Behind me

My Strength wavers And I Reach for the Comforting Omni Presence to Direct me to My Gate, To Comfort me, to wipe Away the Tears that Blur my Vision

Do I  Right the wrongs Of Missed Flights? 

Should I leave a Forwarding Address with The Possibility of Retrieval?

I will Not let the Fear of the Broken Unknown 
Take Anymore From Me 

I will Surrender the Thought Of what Someone Else Might Do 

With what Is Mine 

I am Going To Linger No More in This Airport Of,
 Limbo and Indecision 
I will weep no More for The Lost Items of My Heart But will Walk In the Possibility with What Remains In My Carry On

I will Take with Me What Is left, 
 What was Once Mine Is Yours to Have... 

Memories for Sale

Memories for Sale

Sale...

I'm walking up and down each isle looking for just that perfect shinny relic that catches my eye.

The sun is warm and the smell of the salty sea isn't far off. 
I look up toward heaven and sigh with appreciation. 

Today is for treasure hunting with loved ones, tonight is for our goodbyes. We will let the Waves take our memories along with our goodbyes and sorrow.

I see it, the shinny object across the row of vendors. I make my way through crowds of people to haggle with the seller over an antique cigar box and sitting next to it an old car that my son may like. As I'm passing by other tables I am suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. 
Its all the forgotten items of people. It's all the lives and the memories that have long passed that grieves me. 
The intensity of it catches me off guard.

 Laying across a table are photographs of a man and woman, wedding photos, college diplomas along with a life time of impressive achievements sprawled out for sale! 
I am wondering who did this? who gave away their memories to this gypsy to sell off for mere pennies? His war time photos, She in her wedding dress, their first born, first car, collage graduation, Last Christmas, a life time all laying out in the summer sun for sale

Is this what our lives are? items for sale? memories and achievements that go to the highest bidder?

I want to scream, "wait! before you buy that, don't you want to know his name? or if his wife of 50 years is still alive? or the name of their dog in that picture? Or if the men in that war time photo all made it home to their loved ones after defending our country in battle?"

I shed tears as I passed table after table with lifetimes all spread out for pennies.

Father am I not worth more? My life has to be worth more then forgotten memories put up for sale.
Our youth, our battles, victories and love. It all has to mean something to somebody.

Father let it all, not be for nothing...Let my pictures of youth and all my achievements not lay under the summer sun 

I look up with another sigh and thank God for today and the reminder that each day is our gift that isn't to be sold or grieved but to be celebrated. Our lives are to be cherished. Our lives are but a blink of an eye but eternity is forever and is free to whom ever believes.That is worth more then any shiny thing here on earth.
It is greater then any achievement. Its a gift that lasts for an eternity.

Another life is gone here on earth but heaven has gained another in celebration. You're items have been sold off and given away but our memories will last until we meet again.

Its dusk and it is time to remember our loved one, as the waves carry him into the sunset our feet leave impressions in the sand only to be washed away with him..

 

Have you ever just waited on somebody until you felt like you couldn't stand the silence of the room you were sitting and waiting in?

I wait in this room with the walls closing in around me while I wait and have been, day after day, night after night, week after week, year after year I've sat and waited.

It's the silence that gets to me the most. The feelings that come to haunt me while I wait is a whole other story.
All the mind numbing and torturous thoughts that slither their way into ones mind while they wait in the dark.  Cruel thoughts that sneak up on ones broken heart and lonely moments while they wait. 

No matter if you sit, stand or lay down in bed, with the lights on or off it all feels so dark and quiet. so, so quiet.

Ive asked myself, how can it be so quiet as the minutes go by and the thoughts be so loud and its still be deafeningly quiet?

Love can be cruel to the one who waits on the one that never does.

While waiting promises are made to yourself. What will be said or not said in the heat of the moment when the light turns on and then the disappointment in yourself when you break them. 

 
It's the beating of your heart that wildly wants to come out of your chest as scenarios flood your mind. As tears rush toward the ground from your face you are reminded that there is nobody there to wipe them.

waiting has never been easy. Its hard on your self-esteem, self worth and peace of mind.

Will I give another day to it? will I continue to suffer through this? 

When is enough waiting?

Would waiting still be so hard if trust still lived here?

Would waiting not even be a thought or feeling that I struggled with if I had just stopped long ago. 

It's my fault not anyone else's that I wait and suffer through it.

 When the waiting is over its not really over. Then the waiting is for my heart to settle. for the pain of disappointment to be over. 

Im tired. I want to be waited for.

 seen. I want the light to be turned on even when I am the one who has turned it off.

I want my tears wiped from my face. I want to trust you when you are away and the darkness to not be the room I sit in any longer.

I am done waiting..;

Shell

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Shell Shocked

I Miss You... 

To My Eternal Friend,

I close my eyes and see you standing at my door with a pizza in your hands for the family. It's your favorite with all the works. 

I see you laying In my big fluffy bed taking turns being the perfect listener.

 I Am Happy For You my precious friend but so sad that you've gone so soon.

Hugs, Laughter, Silly Jokes that is how I remember our days of ups and downs, hospital stays and holiday celebrations. 

 I see your eyes and all their sparkle when you smile. Your beautiful hands that reached out for others in need.

I will always remember you being a teacher of great compassion, love,  and an unstoppable giving Heart. 

Your drive to please our father and always feeling like not enough, when you my friend were always then, and always will be exactly who you were born to be, perfect, blameless and a lover of Jesus  

I even miss your brutal honesty, "yes I need more rest!"

I miss your midnight calls with prayer filled nights that spilled into the wee hours of the morning.

I miss YOU my dear friend.

I find comfort in knowing that I can look forward to hearing you one day welcoming me into my eternity while calling my name "Bobby!"

I laugh at the memory of you doing the Hula on the Santa Barbara shores or laying oil in all the stores

I look at the sky while driving and see you looking out the window calling out shapes of each white, pink and wisps of clouds floating by.

Our car rides filled with song and worship or deep discussions of what we all imagined Heaven to be like.

I think about you daily and continue to wonder about all the places that you are now I have yet to be...

 You are gone but Not gone. You are nowhere but everywhere! 

You will battle no more sickness, disappointments, worry, opposition, division, lack or bore. 

 My heart hurts and everyone you set eyes on here misses you 

I Miss you...

Still Here

Always

Friday, May 22, 2015

Always

I SEE YOU...

I've Always Seen YOU even when no other soul has 

I see your eyes squint with laughter, as if your staring into the summer sun but

It's just me your looking at...

I see your eyes turn sad with the color of vibrant moss, the same moss I would imagine that cover rocks on the river banks of heaven

I SEE YOU...

I see you and the tears that well up when you watch your child walk across an airport parking lot on her return home from afar 

I SEE YOU...

I see your struggle in this world that you were forced to come into

I see the longing for your heavenly position you will be appointed to in heaven 

I SEE YOU...

I see your strength of a dozen men and your weakness of a feeble man

I see your heart that beats from your chest, I can see it through your shirt beating to the rhythm of my name 

I SEE YOU...

you are not a darkened memory to me but a light that's been temporarily lost

I SEE YOU...

I see you looking over the newspaper while your glasses slide down your nose,  your eyes glance in my direction with such admiration and love

I SEE YOU...

I see you holding on to our youth as if its a tangible life sustaining magic that can change everything with one memory of it

I see you holding on to places, smells, sites and sounds then locking them away for your dark, rainy days that come to haunt you 

I see you struggle your way through full moons like some TV character struggling to find its form

I see you in your youth in OP Shorts your blond hair and big green eyes frightened struggling and at times lost in this big scary but beautiful world

I SEE YOU...

I see you chasing cars, building sand castles, laughing till you cry and turning bright red under the summer sun

I SEE YOU...

I have not lost site of you in room 202....

I see every part of you that you don't. I see every part of you that has been forgotten by you or over looked or perhaps tucked away 

I SEE YOU...

I see the light that you hide from, pouring out of those eyes

I see our father calling your spirit and your spirit longing to just rest your head on his chest

I see who you were, who you are, and who you will be

Won't you look into the fathers reflection and see you too? You're beautiful, a wonder, and a discovery waiting to be found...

I have found you...I see you..."You are my treasure" says our father  

"I am you and you are me."


Forever & Always I will See You

Dreaming of Heaven

Monday, June 8, 2015

I can only imagine...

Walking on the greenest greens, running on the brightest white beaches and sitting under the pinkest pink flowered trees.. 

I feel the warm amber honey that surrounds me. 
I feel the blanket of peace and the fathers joy that fills me. 
    

I walk and take another moment in the cool brook that flows freely, tickling my ankles

Its invitation shines with every color, even those yet to be named. 

I am walking on precious gems that are smooth as silky. Looking up I smell the fresh floral that dances around my senses from every direction, 

I feel a building anticipation in the air,

It's like thunder when it happens, yes when the horses roll in, my spirit yells the horses are coming!

I am walking and enjoying this vast pleasure that's wrapped up like the most amazing package. 
My gift has every ribbon and adornment laid out on display for all to see. 

 I am walking and admiring the gardens, green hills, birds overhead and yes, the warm, amber glow all around my presence. 
I feel my father, he is all around me and in everything I see.

I can leap like a child from tree to tree, dance across the green fields of glory,  I lay beneath the tree of butterflys and sing as loud as my voice will carry and I am pleasing. 

The cloud is appraoching so I jump up to go meet it. 

I see the stampede of beautiful giants, white horses with beards being led by the most celestial looking man and I am in awe...

I think I know him 

Its my friend, my love from long ago. I get the feeling this visit is a recurring event that I look forward to.

I see us riding past trees that have the most amazing branches, they reach for us with admiration of the fathers children

I can feel the kisses of the sweet smelling flowers as the branches bend over us when we pass under them.

I savor our rides and discussions of heaven. We talk about what our father has him doing but its the glimmer in his eyes that fills me with childlike amusement.

When he is called away and I am again standing at the road of goodbye, it does not grieve me because I know I will feel the thunder again and the horses will return, they always do...

Im heading back to the garden where the fragrance guides me. I am headed to the glimmering waters the ocean that sings and the animals that roar with laughter

I am filled, I am whole, I am complete, I am waiting...

Daughter

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Daughter

Hazel Eyes

Pig Tails, Giggles, Laughter, Pacifiers Galore, Bear in the Big Blue House, Dress up, Mama's Heels, Big Floppy Hats, Pink Feathered Boa's and So Much More.

Lilo, Stitch, Fragle Rock, Blue Berry Summer and Lets Not Forget the Reason You're Never Lonely, The One and Only Teddy Bear Butter

My Precious Memories

My Answered Prayer, My Amazing Gift, A Display of Gods 
Un Measurable Love, That is Who She Is

Singer, Preacher, Lover of Jesus, Truth Seeker, Fashion Designer, Painter, Cake Baker, Apple Pie Maker

Photographer, Treasure Hunter, Beach Bunny, Mountain Hiker, Occasional Biker, Swimmer, Shopper, Undercover Library Lover, 

Cookie Dough, Sour Patch Kids, Thin Crust Pizza, California  Rolls, Teriyaki Bowls   
No Veggies geez, Second Helping of Potatoes Please!

Book Reader, Record Collector, Shoe Hoarder, Music Connoisseur,
Baby Brother Mother, Listener, Talker, Dog Walker, 

Admiring Eyes, Lashes For Days, Talented Dancer, Poet, Dreamer, Writer, Fighter, Fickle Eater, Friend to All
Thats My Girl All Wrapped Up Like a Hand Made Christmas Doll

You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine, 
You Make Me Happy When Skies Are Grey...
You Are My Tay

Forever & Always,
Mae

Memories for Sale

Monday, June 15, 2015

Memories for Sale

Sale...

I'm walking up and down each isle looking for just that perfect shinny relic that catches my eye.

The sun is warm and the smell of the salty sea isn't far off. 
I look up toward heaven and sigh with appreciation. 

Today is for treasure hunting with loved ones, tonight is for our goodbyes. We will let the Waves take our memories along with our goodbyes and sorrow.

I see it, the shinny object across the row of vendors. I make my way through crowds of people to haggle with the seller over an antique cigar box and sitting next to it an old car that my son may like. As I'm passing by other tables I am suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. 
Its all the forgotten items of people. It's all the lives and the memories that have long passed that grieves me. 
The intensity of it catches me off guard.

 Laying across a table are photographs of a man and woman, wedding photos, college diplomas along with a life time of impressive achievements sprawled out for sale! 
I am wondering who did this? who gave away their memories to this gypsy to sell off for mere pennies? His war time photos, She in her wedding dress, their first born, first car, collage graduation, Last Christmas, a life time all laying out in the summer sun for sale

Is this what our lives are? items for sale? memories and achievements that go to the highest bidder?

I want to scream, "wait! before you buy that, don't you want to know his name? or if his wife of 50 years is still alive? or the name of their dog in that picture? Or if the men in that war time photo all made it home to their loved ones after defending our country in battle?"

I shed tears as I passed table after table with lifetimes all spread out for pennies.

Father am I not worth more? My life has to be worth more then forgotten memories put up for sale.
Our youth, our battles, victories and love. It all has to mean something to somebody.

Father let it all, not be for nothing...Let my pictures of youth and all my achievements not lay under the summer sun 

I look up with another sigh and thank God for today and the reminder that each day is our gift that isn't to be sold or grieved but to be celebrated. Our lives are to be cherished. Our lives are but a blink of an eye but eternity is forever and is free to whom ever believes.That is worth more then any shiny thing here on earth.
It is greater then any achievement. Its a gift that lasts for an eternity.

Another life is gone here on earth but heaven has gained another in celebration. You're items have been sold off and given away but our memories will last until we meet again.

Its dusk and it is time to remember our loved one, as the waves carry him into the sunset our feet leave impressions in the sand only to be washed away with him...

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Candy Cane Kisses

Holidays have a way of bringing out the best and worst in people. As for me, I love them and all that they entail. Christmas is my holiday of choice, the music, giving gifts to others, and acts of kindness being extended to perfect strangers.

I never have understood the people who find themselves depressed or out of sorts especially with the beauty and delight that come with all lights that shine with holiday sparkle.

Well, I didn't understand until this year
This year I  have had the unfortunate experience of loss and heartache in many areas of my life. 
It's the pain that comes to steal the brightness from my Christmas sparkle. 

Yes, I now have the understanding of why people may feel like hiding under their winter blanket's while waiting for the bright lights to come down, along with evergreen that invades their senses to be taken out to the curb

What I discovered is that the memories of what use to be during the holidays can hinder what the holidays may look like now in the present 

 So this year I decided to switch things up a bit. 
I no longer want to grieve about what was or what is no longer,
I want to rediscover a new way of making things sparkle. 

I have given up the same tree lot that I have frequented for over 25 years. I have not hung lights from every corner of my roof or hung evergreen garland in my home

I am however not choosing to forget the comfort of what use to be, but I am reinventing what can still be

I am choosing to throw my winter blanket aside and join the the laughter of my children

It doesn't mean that my grief and the pain of my broken heart is gone but Christmas has a way of wanting the best in all of us to shine like a beacon to the broken hearts of others. 

I want to find my laughter, my joy, my peace on Christmas morning stuffed all snug like a bug in my stocking or tucked under the tree wrapped and ready to be opened.

Tonight I stare into the light of the fire and suddenly with my hand over my heart I can feel the pain that continues to pierce it. 

I'm sure as I sleep tonight the memories of who and what I miss along with pictures of the days past will haunt me, they do nightly. When tomorrow comes, when I wake I will choose to participate in what God has gifted me with. The laughter of my children, taking in the fragrance of the day and even enjoying the music that fills the air of grocery stores shopping malls and family homes.

I will give my kids my candy cane kisses...